Enter the "Free Suzanne" Contest!
Put Suzanne to the ultimate test
LOS ANGELES, Sept. 26 — I know that "Free Suzanne!" sounds a lot less enticing than "Free Money!" but hey, I'm not Bill Gates or a cast member of Friends.
Still, look what I’m offering at absolutely no cost to you: Me. For one full week. Anywhere in the United States.
Here’s
the deal: Over the course of Mission: Implausible, I’ve gone out
on my own to become as useful as I can. I now have skills. I can drive
15 mph for hours on end (although don’t ask me to change
a flat tire). I can assemble and disassemble a wheelchair.
I can plane a plank of wood,
and I can even, in an emergency, saw a 2 by 4. I can stuff,
seal and stamp envelopes. I can do phone
solicitation (reluctantly). I can monitor chimpanzee
inactivity without dying of boredom. The list is endless!
Well, okay … maybe it’s not. In fact, I’ve begun to think I haven’t really stretched myself to the limit. I need a bigger challenge … a greater chance to not screw up … an ultimate opportunity to be genuinely useful!
That’s where you come in. I want you to compete for me to be a volunteer at your organization or event. (Ahem. This does not mean I will come work your garage sale or cater your next Monday Night Football party. Only volunteer missions that help the greater good will be seriously considered.)
If you can persuade me that your mission can exploit my new-found usefulness in ways that even I cannot begin to grasp, then I’ll be there, ready and eager to work for one week. (I can go at any time that is mutually convenient, through February.)
Here’s all you have to do: In 200 words or less, entice me. Coax me. Ignite a thousands points of light under me. And tell me how I can be of use to you and your group. Deadline for entry is December 15th. (To email your entry, click here.)
The winner will be selected soon afterward through a painstaking process, involving a crack team of psychologists and a computer-analysis program specially tailored for this event. Just kidding. I figure I’ll spend a weekend passing all the entries among members of my family, if they can FOR ONE SECOND stop arguing about the table linens, hors d’oeuvres and floral arrangements for my sister’s upcoming wedding.
And so, you may ask, why am I doing this?
Because I still have lots of frequent flyer miles. Why not?
No
Recount Necessary!
The
"Free Suzanne" contest has a clear-cut winner
 Becky Tegeler and her class of fourth- and fifth-graders at Hartley Elementary School in Lincoln, Nebraska. |
SANTA MONICA, Calif., Dec. 23 - After considering 51 entries from 18 states and four foreign countries, I hereby end the suspense surrounding the "Free Suzanne" contest. And the winner is...
...Becky Tegeler of Lincoln, Nebraska!
I am now formally presenting myself as Becky's grand prize. On Jan. 15, I will fly to Lincoln to undertake what Becky has persuaded me is the "ultimate challenge": spending one week helping to teach her fourth- and fifth-graders at Hartley Elementary School.
Of course, those of you who have been following my M:I misadventures over the past six months may wonder if second prize is me free for TWO weeks, but bless Becky's Midwestern salt-of-the-earth heart. She actually thinks I can help out.
Becky does have her hands full. While Hartley school building is being renovated, the students and teachers have been relocated to a state-fair exposition hall that, according to Becky, resembles a "giant baked potato." Classes are divided by wooden partitions, and teachers are using shower curtains as doors. In one of the great understatements of the year, Becky says her space "isn't conducive to learning. "
Becky says she learned about the "Free Suzanne" contest in late November, when the Ricky Martin cover photo lured her into buying People magazine. Flipping through the issue, she saw the story about M:I.
Becky dashed off an e-mail to me that day, and I must say, her spunk leapt off the screen when I read it. "Come to our school for a week!" she wrote. "Try to help writers who are ten years old and still can't spell, and reach the very gifted kids who bore easily while the rest are trying to figure out what cursive letters look like. Help my severely disabled student feel successful as he attempts to sharpen pencils. Experience first hand poverty in Middle America, the last place people think to help out when they want to really 'do something.' You would be more useful here than perhaps anywhere else in this nation."
On top of everything, Becky is also a first-year teacher, obviously still filled with the youthful enthusiasm that allows her to believe someone offering herself as the grand prize in some wacky Internet contest could be of real use. I will do my best not to disillusion her.
Becky's excitement over winning has already assured me that I can expect a far better reception than Bill Clinton's when he visited the Cornhusker State a few weeks ago.(Until that point, Nebraska was the only state he had not visited while President.) The Republicans, I read in the LA Times, were preparing to greet the president as though he were a "toxic spill about to pollute the entire state."
Still, having already polluted one state -- Alaska-- I don't want to take any chances on the hospitality. (You may recall the flat tire incident, the runaway wheelchair incident and the speeding ticket incident, among others.) I want to kick things off right.
So here's my idea:I want to arrive in Lincoln (where yesterday's temperature was 6 degrees) with a fist full of cash to help Becky purchase socks, shoes, sweaters and other items that she's told me the kids badly need.
Here's where you, devoted readers, come in. By now, I can only imagine how moved you have become by the volunteer spirit of M:I. And yet, I know, you've been left to wonder: What can I do to help?
Indeed, there is something you can do. You can help keep Becky from taking one look at me and saying,"You mean This is it? You're all I get?"
I want to hand Becky a pile of checks that show her I at least have persuasive abilities that exceed, say, David Boies' in his recent dealings with Antonin Scalia. So here's the pitch, short and sweet: Cough it up, folks. There's a bunch of kids who don't have enough warm clothes in Lincoln, Nebraska. (See Join the M:I Clothing Campaign for details.)
Enough said. I knew I could count on you.
Needless to say, I'll give you the full report on the response to your generosity, as well as my attempts at usefulness in Becky's classroom. Stay tuned.
***
You're probably wondering about all the entries that didn't win. (And, no, there won't be any consolation prizes, but I will say that I'm really, really, really, really sorry that each and every one of you couldn't win me.)
I suppose what surprised me most were the number of people who actually thought I could be of some use. I secretly feared that the only entry would come from my sister, asking me to alphabetize the table seating cards for her upcoming wedding. But requests for my services came from far and wide. A Los Angeles woman asked for help producing a music CD and healing booklet for kids in the hospital. An unemployed lawyer in Virginia wanted me to help her find a job. (Geez, all she had to do was fly down to Florida last month or show up at a taping of "Rivera Live".) A Connecticut woman challenged me to work at her homeless shelter for a week. "If you pick me, I promise to have Starbucks coffee on your desk every day!"she wrote.
One of the more intriguing entries came from the Amistad America, a nonprofit that has built a replica of the ship famous for the 1839 rebellion by enslaved Africans. The new Amistad, a floating classroom dedicated to promoting racial healing, is docked in Mystic, Connecticut. The organization invited me to help prep the ship and join its upcoming journey down the Eastern Seaboard to Cuba, where the Amistad incident began. The manual labor I thought maybe I could handle. But given my performance on the ferry ride in Papua New Guinea, the sailing part was completely out of the question.
Five entries involved helping animals. (Was this supposed to be some opportunity for penance after the chimps fiasco?) An Arizona woman sought my help in collecting 100 million (yes, that's MILLION) signatures protesting animal cruelty in China and Korea. Greyhound Pets of America asked me to drive with a group down to Mexico, where they would be rescuing dogs from a racetrack and bringing them to LA for bathing and worming. I have no doubt it's a worthy cause, but I decided that worming might make me more ill than sailing.
A Florida woman who has saved hundreds of wild kittens through her organization, Ferals on Patrol, asked me to help build an enclosure for her adopted cats on the five-acre plot she just purchased for them.
But alas, I've learned that,
even in volunteering, I do have my limits, and one of them is cats- wild,
tame or otherwise. So, as I brace myself to hear from cat lovers everywhere,
I will say only that I won't be applying what few
carpentry skills I have toward building a new house for the little
furballs.
Join
the M:I Campaign for Cothing
Hey, cough
it up for some kids in Nebraska!
SANTA MONICA, Dec. 23 -- Having read the story announcing the contest winner , you are, I am sure, eager to contribute to the stash of cash that will buy Becky Tegeler's fourth- and fifth-graders the socks, shoes, mittens that they need to survive the brutal Nebraska winter. When I spoke to Becky a few days ago, she used the terms "windchill 40 below" and "blizzards with winds that could knock you over."
She also said: "My children walk into school without a coat on, not to mention mittens or hats. We have to walk to lunch in another building, and we try to run as fast as possible without slipping on the ice so that the kids won't get sick. That's another thing, they are always sick! Maybe because there's no heat in the aprtment they share with 6 or 7 other family members. Maybe its because their bed is on the floor, or maybe its because they can't afford to get to the doctor to see what they have.
"I try to provide snacks for the kids as we go through the day, just so I know they are getting something to eat everyday. Seventy-eight percent of our school receives free lunch and breakfast, and we try to get them the warm clothes they need. We have really great children who are unfortunate that they are growing up in poverty. As teachers, we are doing what we can to make it better."
So here's what you can do to help out. Simply make out a check to Becky Tegeler -- any sum between $10 and $50 would be quite excellent (although I won't discourage anyone from contributing more) -- and mail it to me at the following address:
515 San Vicente Blvd. #C
Santa Monica, CA 90402
Please make sure your check arrives by January 12. I will deliver the checks to Becky when I visit Lincoln the following week, and I will accompany her to the store to make purchases for her students.
Becky, her students and I thank you very much!